~Stella Adler
She was right.
I went to an audition for the New York Theatre Workshop. Ready to go. Again, there were many of us (of course!), and EMCs and Non-Eqs were not seen. I was somewhat ecstatic when the announcement was made. Not because I didn't have to audition, but because I didn't have to play the waiting game! Waiting in vain. WELL. It was disappointing but like the last EPA, I left my headshot and resume at the front desk. I was 8th on the EMC list. But, the Equity alternate list (by the time I put on my hide of a rhino over my face) was up to 40. Yikes. I am a lucky-unlucky gal.
I really hope these experiences don't turn me into a sado-masochistic, repressed hermit. In which I will dwell (somehwere hopefully with a roof and four walls) in a place where I will let the vines grow, the dirt accumulate, cats gathering (and I don't even like cats because I'm allergic to them. And I'm afraid of them), blah-blah a la "Grey Gardens" or Kim Stanley's dwellings towards the end of her life. I'll end up writing gads of poetry (which I'm known to do in my bouts of inspiration), never sleeping because I'll just want to paint (which I used to do back in 2005-2006, until it got too much, I dried out and went to sleep, and hoped that I would like my work in the morning) all night, dance in a sheer nightgown at 3 in the morn with nothing under, sing every song I know, and shout Shakespeare out to the sea (hopefully, I'll live by the sea. Otherwise, where will I shout Shakespeare?). I'll be gloom and doom, offereing acting classes in my backyard to which I will wear a big hat and Jackie Os, and be named one of the most intriguing people who are unknown. Oh! And in between all that, find time to frolic in the rain and laugh. HA! I think I should stop. I'm having too much fun with this. Spooky...
Alright.
Last night. At about 5.45 my phone rang with a 212-area code. I had this feeling(can't describe, it was a feeling). I wasn't going to answer it but the thought that kept scrolling in my mind's eye was: The Pearl Theatre Company. I didn't want to answer it. I did anyway (there goes doing something I fear for that day=P). Sure enough, it was the assistant to the Artistic Director of The Pearl. At first, it sounded like she was calling to tell me that I was rejected (which would have been appreciated because at least you KNOW) but something inside told me that she was going to make me an offer. She did. They offered me understudy roles in OEDIPUS. I told her that I would love to. She was happy to hear that and then went into the fine print of this deal to which my heart kind of beat in slow motion, and I started to get all self-doubty and questioning myself. She told me that she would email the offer and give me more details, that she wanted me to think about it and call her with my answer the next day (which is today).
In the email, she told me that they also want to offer me an understudy role in NATHAN THE WISE, but that they didn't need an answer straightaway because it was too soo and they want to give me a chance to see if I like and want to be involved further with the company.
I rang up my Ma. Towards the end of our conversation tears were streaming down my face. I rang my Dad and the same thing happened. What's my problem? Well, it's not just one problem. Right now, the major problems (shall I re-phrase that to questions?) are two-fold: Where will I live?; and: I have no money to get a place of my own or even share a place. Mm...the actor's life for me.
I started talking very in-depth with my parents about it as I have never before with them. I believe that's where the tears came from because something is actually happening, this is like skipping 3-steps climbing up the staircase. Whereas, these auditions and callbacks, and rejections and getting cast (having to turn-down) are all moving me forward, step-by-step. Hopefully. Anywaa...then I said, "Isn't this what I came here for?"
Which is true, right? This isn't necessarily the way I had envisioned it but if I end up saying, "No," to this I KNOW I will regret it. But, I believe that God doesn't always send you questions and answers with a familiar face to them. Especially these "answers" that we ask for. We sometimes miss the recognition. Also, Rilke said that we've got to live in the questions and if we are fortunate enough, through that we'll hopefully live in the answer.
Alright.
Enough of that.
I've got an opportunity that any one in my position would want to snatch. And, if you noticed what I wrote, I did. I told her that, "I'd love to." It's just that when my cogs started to turn in this wrinkly mind of mine, I got all weird. And question-y.
My answer, of course, is, "Yes." I will be ringing her in a couple of minutes. I've got to figure out what questions I want and need to ask about this understudy-thing.
It's the classics. This is what I want to do. This is what the Pearl does. The classics. This is what I came here to do. I may not necessarily be on the stage but I'm involved and I'm being given an opportunity that I'd be a damn fool not to take.
Isn't this funny. Ironic? Of course, when I'll be leaving to come back home to California this happens. I will admit to you, however, I thought so. I thought and imagined that it would happen like this. THOUGH, I did have grander illusions. You know, like Broadway. A lead role. A featured role. You know...just that.
So...to any of my friends (I don't really have any in NY but I'll ask anyway), if you have a couch that I can sleep on for the autumn season let me know. I need a roof over my head, four walls, and a good blanket to keep me warm.
Here's a link to The Pearl: http://www.pearltheatre.org/
Currently reading: Changing by Liv Ullmann
